Q and A section

[Ellen Taliaferro, MD aka "DrT"]

Hi, Folks. Let's use this discussion forum to ask and comment about questions and myths regarding partnership abuse and domestic violence.

Here's a question from me to you--looking forward to your responses.

Question: What things make you suspect that a women in your workplace is in an abusive situation at home?

[DorothyL]

Hello....I would definitely look at her time away from work....late arrivals....any change in her attitude over time...definitely bruises that are covered up with similar accidental falls or bangs.

Unfortunately these women tend to create a very good persona....why is that....it is out of protection for their spouse or is it out of pure embarrassment & humiliation?

~D~

[Ellen Taliaferro, MD aka "DrT"]

Good comments, Dorothy. Thanks

As to: "Unfortunately these women tend to create a very good persona....why is that....it is out of protection for their spouse or is it out of pure embarrassment & humiliation?" there seem to be several reasons that many women keep their abuse a secret:

• Shame
• Her partner has warned her that if she tells, he will hurt the children, pets, relatives, or her
• Protection of her partner--in some instances, she doesn't want to leave the partner she still loves. She just wants the abuse to go away.

I had a friend in Dallas who had worked with previous Ms America's and she told me that these women had a very high incidence of abuse as they had been selected, courted, and groomed by their partners to be "trophy wives..

[Richard Payne]

Without putting aside the other reasons ..... all valid Ellen and Dorothy, your last paragraph Ellen I believe is also valid and may be over looked sometimes. No matter if you are male or female, we all want to look good to the other sex or even for ourselves. However, today are we too much that way?? Are we forgeting that will disappear as time passes (male or female) and if we have forgotten to fine tune our minds and inner goodness .......... then what do we have????? From my stand point (male), I have always enjoyed looking at a "beautiful" woman ....... so called "eye candy", but I have met very few that have had the other more important requirements ... a beautiful mind and inerself. The really beautiful one's that had it all, strangely did not seem to realize what they looked like on the outside. I think the "image" building today (all about the outside) sometimes leads some of us in meeting the wrong person in the first place. Which can lead to abuse in some cases I believe.

Richard

[Melissa Aytche]

I had a friend and collegue that worked for me. She used to tell everyone about how wonderful her man was and how perfect her life was. She was ashamed to admit that he was abusing her. What I started to notice in her was her attendance started to falter and it was always an excuse. She became somewhat withdrawn and would jump up from her desk when her phone rang. When she finally confided in me what was happening I could see the signs were there but she was trying so hard to mask them. She now lives in hiding but is away from that man. He has tried contacting everyone she knew to get any insight where she might be and portrays himself as a victim. She still fights this to this day.

She was too ashamed to say anything and that was a fear within herself that people would judge her or look down on her. That is the way he made her feel and it hurt her in the process. As sad as that is to say.

[Richard Payne]

I think abuse like rape, is partly a control issue. Abuse is continuous though. Rape less so, unless combined with the DV. So I would watch for:

"Secret" in or out phone calls and the mood change afterward.

Clothing that doesn't fit the time of year.

Not getting to close to others in the office.

Lateness or going home early.

More than normal sick days taken.

Emotional out bursts .... sadness, anger, etc.

Their mind not on the job at hand.

More than normal medical bills (if company has health care).

Unable to make decidions.

With drawn.

Make excuses that don't add up.

Richard

[DorothyL]

Spousal abuse is no different than child abuse. AS you mentioned Ellen...embarrassment is a strong reason, most definitely.
I also believe that part of the mind goes into a type of gridlock out of self-preservation or survival...either term is suffice.
Compartmentalizing ones brain is a learned behavior throughout abuse victims of all ages and types of abuse.
This is a good reason that they can carry out their lives as though they are living a somewhat normal life.
Also if they come from an abusive home...it all flows as a normal pattern to them.
How many couples have you known that seem like the perfect couple and then later you find out through their own actions or the thoughts of another that they really are not?
......
Richard....we are in a society where the perfect outer body image takes priority over everything. Sex sells and so does beauty. I have always been a believer that where there is a demand there will be a market. One of human beings biggest flaws is in the material and unrealistic world...why is that? Is it because life is so hard to deal with that they feel the need to escape through media or any other type of false happiness or satisfaction?
It is vital for people to understand that the real balance, true happiness & beauty comes from within. As you have said outer beauty is but a shell which is simply the cover to a book which gets worn out with age and usage. If we are not happy with who we are inside....we will never see our outer beauty either!
~D~

[laura]

I think I may be in the wrong group. After several links and what not, I found myself on this page and became a member. However, I think I got the wrong idea. I understand Cinderella; we are one.

I grew up in abject poverty; it held the umbrella of social disease. Physical, social, and emotional abuse were the daily regimine. It seems strange for me to read pontifications of abuse. I seem to be someone who you have come across in your professions, but did not fully understand. How could you?

I am not bashful; I am bold. I rarely cry, especially in public. I talk to many people, and engage in powerful conversation, and I laugh more than what is deemed "socially acceptable" for a given situation. I have also been the victim of much abuse. It started as a child, and, unfortunately, the abuse traveled into adulthood.

For me, my saving grace has been my intellect; it has not been my beauty. Gracefully, I know my intelligence has been a gift, and my "attractiveness" is 'merely butter in the icing' (by no means am I attempting to be disrespectful).

It has taken me a long time to finally "get it." I am pushing fourty, mid-life, yet I truly believe my life is just starting.

Peace.

[Brigette]

She is quick to serve the boss or people in the workforce. She is shy, won't talk to much to people, she may come in with bruises, or scratch marks. She will start to weep but try to hide it. There will be signs and you will notice it. It will be hard for her to laugh and if she does it will be a nervous laugh. She will find it hard to make a decission. There is more but I am tired now. Bye for now

[Melissa Aytche]

Hello, I would say becoming withdrawn and often jumpy when approached. I do agree with Dorothy too that their on time, missed days, and overall behavior change.